The Repatriation RollerCoaster: Reverse Culture Shock

Well it’s officially been over 6 months since we’ve repatriated to the USA from Malaysia and honestly, I’m not sure where the time has gone; I mean heck, I’m not sure what my name is most days, let alone where I live!

Enjoying our summer farmers market in amazing weather!

But let me back up for a second and quickly talk about the Expat Stages- there are 4 stages: 1- The Honeymoon Stage, 2- Homesickness/Complaining Stage, 3- Coping with Your new Normal, & 4- Living with Acceptance. OK, I can deal with 4 stages, it’s a small number, its doable, and for me, within the 3 short years of living in Malaysia, had run its course and we were comfortably living in the 4th stage- “Living with Acceptance”. However, as a first time expat, thus being the first time I’ve “Repatriated”, coming down off the high of the expat roller coaster can, at times, be just as emotional, if not more so, than actually being an expat. You can read the full blog post of the expat stages here.

Our air shipment arrives into our corporate housing!

Repatriation is a whole new ball game. You would think it’s simple right? You return to your home country and BAM, your back and life is good- you are already familiar with everything around you, you know where to find things, you have friends & family….all of course depending on what city you moved back to. But as a whole, you “get” your home country, regardless of the city you returned to. So yes, all this is true enough, but it’s most definitely not your new reality, at least not as I have experienced it.

Reconnecting with our amazing old friends- so much cuteness!!

It’s hard to articulate how Repatriation works but I’m going to give it my best shot. You see, the crazy part about Repatriating is that all of a sudden you are thrust back into your old life….only you are not “you” any longer. You’ve evolved, you’ve grown, you’ve changed……yet everything around you has stayed the same. You look the same as everyone, & you have the commonality of your known culture, yet you feel like a completely different person now. Wild right?!

Date night exploring our new hometown!

On the grander scale of Repatriation sits the white elephant in the room: Reverse Culture Shock. I think we can all agree what culture shock is, but what is “reverse” culture shock? Well, its basically that time after you’ve arrived back into your home country, you’ve visited with all your friends & family, you’ve driven around to all your favorite stores and restaurants, and it’s time to settle down and start your “new normal” life. The novelty of you being an expat has gone away, people are now used to you being back, but yet you don’t feel normal yet. You are going through the motions, but you feel empty, sad, frustrated, and many times lonely. People have stopped asking how you feel because they assume you feel great- I mean you are back “home” right?! But it’s not that easy…..you see, reverse culture shock is unavoidable but thankfully its’ temporary….how temporary depends on the person, their experiences, their environment, and their new norm.

Happy 2nd birthday to our girl!

But let’s circle back to Repatriation. Many researchers and people’s own experiences have linked  the stages of grief as articulated by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & the stages of re-entry into your home country. The Kubler-Ross model has 5 stages- Denial, Anger/Guilt, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance. But I, as well as many others, would say there are an additional 2 stages when talking about Repatriation- Shock & Testing.

Seeing our awesome expat friends stateside!

Family time!

More family time!

So here they are in my own words & with my own experience- The 7 Stages of Repatriation

1. Shock/Excitement

We we realized we were coming home- it was exciting, it was shocking, it was overwhelming. There was so much to do in such a short amount of time- saying goodbyes, packing our things, enjoying our final shops, restaurants, places….it was almost dizzying. Add this to the fact that I had just given birth to our 2nd child and as you can imagine, life was a blur of activity- both positive and negative. This stage lasted about 3 months leading up to our departure I would say.

2. Denial/Confusion

This stage was a tough one. We were so conflicted on how to feel- Happy? Sad? We both shed more tears in this stage than we have since we met 7 years ago. Taking that one final walk around our empty home after it was packed up was overwhelming- I found myself touching every wall, reliving every memory, trying my hardest to cement into my heart everything that happened in our time in Malaysia- growing as a couple, having our 2 babies, meeting fabulous and amazing people….the list goes on & on. This stage lasted throughout the move and into our temporary corporate housing back in the states, where we found ourselves completely at a loss and in Denial that we did it, we moved our lives and our children back to the USA.  This stage lasted about 3 months as well, throughout the summer basically.

3. Anger/Guilt

I can’t count the times I’ve been boiling over with anger at my new life stateside. I know to those of you who have been expats and repatriated, you know what I mean and I also know from experience with my own family and friends that this sounds super confusing to those of you that have never been an expat, thus repatriated. My guilt and my anger come hand in hand most days….and I switch to present day because in many ways I think I regress back into this stage from time to time even now, 7 months later. I’m angry at my emotions that I can’t seem to keep in check, I’m angry that I’m not an expat any longer, I’m angry because I miss my expat friends (which in no way shape or form takes away my happiness with my old & new stateside friends), I’m angry because life is hard right now, I’m angry because I can’t lead the same life I lived in KL. In the same respect, I’m feeling guilty because I can’t stop thinking about my “old” life in KL; how much it meant to me and how much I’m struggling being back in the states. It’s a trip, seriously. This stage for me was really intense for about 2 months and although I think I’m past the severity of it, I do still find myself back in it from time to time.

4. Bargaining

This stage is also one I have experienced, moved past, and yet have found myself back in it from day to day as well. I’ve had more conversations in my head about my life than I care to ever admit. Pair that with being a stay at home mom to 2 little ones and well, I sound like a crazy person most of the time- LOL!. Sometimes I day dream about returning to Malaysia- packing up and just leaving, thinking that would make my life better. But you know what? It won’t. Although I miss KL terribly, I also know that this “Bargaining” stage is a cruel mistress that can pull the wool over my eyes very quickly and very stealthily. I would say this stage is definitely an ongoing beast….

5. Depression

This stage is a doozy…..and I’m not too proud to admit that I am still struggling with this one. My eyes well up with tears at the stupidest things & I feel paralyzed by my sadness and negative emotions many days. It makes it hard to get up and move forward- trying to find my new normal, trying to make friends, trying to live my new life with excitement and without regret. I wish I could just snap right out of it, but I can’t. I think the fact that people have stopped asking how I am and that people just assume I am happy because I am back in the USA adds to this feeling. I am happy to be back, yet I am not happy to be back. I love the USA, yet I love being an expat. It’s crushing some days….but again, it’s temporary. This stage is ongoing as well…

6. Testing

All the above being said, I have found a way to push through the sadness and get out and meet people. In fact, I have been able to meet some awesome ladies, formed some seriously lasting friendships, and have really gotten connected to our new hometown. I’ve found a weekly rhythm with the kiddos, and we get out and about with playdates, errand running, staying active, church, and visits with family. Some days I “fake it till I make it” and other days I truly feel like I’ve got it together again. Some days I feel like a stranger living in my home country, and other days I feel like I have re-entered society successfully and without bruises and a broken heart. But who am I kidding? This phase is a mind-tease….it comes and goes as quickly as the wind blows.

7. Acceptance/Escape

This is the final stage….and one I am going to admit right here and now that I have not gotten full past. I may have flashes of acceptance of my new life, but by no means do I feel truly settled and happy. It’s still painful to think about my expat life, it still hurts to recall memories and old routines, but the pain is easing up with time, and with the amazing circle of friends I have been working hard to make. This can also be the stages when repatriated expats choose the “escape” route…..returning to life abroad- whether its the same host country or a new one altogether. I’m not going to lie- we do dream about a future posting as an expat….we pray with everything in us that God grants us that opportunity again, because it truly has enriched our lives more than we ever imagined it could.

Family time in the cornfields!

Hiking in the hills of Indiana

Well, there you have it- my mind in a nutshell. Scary isn’t it?! I have to say, I hope that in writing down these thoughts that I haven’t scared people away or made any enemies in the process. I truly do love and care for everyone in my life- both stateside and abroad. I also hope that I have conveyed that at the end of the day, I love with my whole heart. The cruddy part that comes along with that is at times a broken heart. My heart will heal, I know it will. My past has proven that. I also know that I am really good wearing my emotions on my sleeve, and also very good at sweeping them under the rug & putting on my happy face. But this is me, all of me. This is who I am right now and I’m willing to accept the rawness of me…..will you accept me too?

Fun times with new friends!

First snow!

Family reunions!

Thanksgiving!

Until next time, I’m going to publish this post before I can change my mind~

Kimbra

I adore my little family…we are stronger than we even know….