The 4 Stages of an Expat, as experienced by your International Nabers

“They say” there are 4 stages of being an expat: 1- The Honeymoon Stage, 2- Homesickness/Complaining Stage, 3- Coping with Your new Normal, & 4- Living with Acceptance.

3 + years later, now having returned to our home country of the USA and having experienced all 4 stages while abroad, I feel like I can relate and definitely share my own experience as a first time expat in Malaysia. Hindsight is always 20/20 but I can confidently say that within the 3 short years of living in Malaysia, the culture shock of the 4 expat stages had run their course and we were comfortably living in the 4th stage- “Living with Acceptance”, by the time we were set to depart.

You may be asking- “why is she talking about the stages of an expat now that she is back home in the USA”? Well, I guess the answer is that its sort of therapeutic for me; being in the midst of the many stages of the reverse culture shock as part of the repatriation process (which I will discuss in my next blog post).

But let me back up and explain the 4 stages of an expat in depth:

Our first pic in front of the towers….3 weeks into our new home- wide eyed, excited, and totally naive!

Stage 1: The Honeymoon Stage

This is the exciting stage, one that typically lasts about 3-4 weeks. You (and if applicable, your significant other & family, etc) arrive in your host country. Everything is new and exciting and you are acting (as you should) like a tourist; exploring your new hometown, figuring out where to shop, what restaurants to eat at, how to get around, where to meet people. It’s truly a magical stage, and felt almost dreamlike to me. It’s sexy, it’s adventurous, it’s almost euphoric. Although there are hiccups in your daily life with finding milk and getting set up with a bank, it still all feels “funny” and laughable by days’ end, over a bottle of wine of course! LOL. There is always a new adventure every time you walk out your front door, everywhere you look there is diversity & culture, and the “world is your oyster” as they say- traveling around your new region becomes your priority.

In my opinion, I find it’s comparable to falling in love…those first few weeks when you are blinded by lust, all consumed with fire and passion and energy.

Escaping to the beach to get away from our new life….scared, hopeful, tired.

Stage 2: Homesickness/Complaining Stage

This is perhaps the loneliest stage for an expat and if you are not careful, can send you packing for home at first daylight or at the very least digging yourself into a dark cave for weeks, maybe even months, until it passes. But think of it this way, if you are strong enough to survive this mandatory and difficult stage, you’ve earned your gold star….your “rite of passage”. You’ve become stronger and tougher than you ever though you were capable of being and the mere weeks/months (everyone is different) of this stage will soon become a distant memory.

Now this doesn’t make the process any easier- I mean how could it? The “funniness” of trying to find milk is now annoying that the only brand your daughter will drink all shows expired “drink by” dates, or they are out of stock with no information on when its back on the shelves. The bank you’ve finally managed to get set up with won’t (or can’t) withdrawal money from your overseas account nor can they wire transfer without a thousand documents signed and sent in. You are frustrated sitting in the back of a smelly cab in horrendous daily traffic, trying to get to all the shops you need to buy your household items before sundown (there is no super target), the restaurants you once loved because they were new and exciting now pales in comparison to your favorite Tex-Mex or pizza joint from home, and although you’ve met some amazing people who are fast becoming friends, all you really want is to call your best friend and meet her at a nearby bar for a sulky glass of wine and a good old fashioned bitch-session.

All you want to do is cry, which is fine, but don’t let that rule your new life. Get those tears out then pick yourself up and move forward. If you loved being fit back home, research what’s around you- maybe a new gym to join with a variety of classes AND more people to meet will fit the bill. If you love to cook & want to try new things- research some cooking classes using ingredients found in your new local grocery stores. If your frustrated with how to communicate with locals, check out a language course and if all else fails, book a quick weekend getaway to a nearby town or country to explore and feel a little euphoric again as you did in the Honeymoon stage, realizing this is all a process that will improve with time, provided you meet each challenge head on.

Pregnant with our daughter~ in awe of what we’ve accomplished in a short 9 months.

Excited, anxious, nervous…..our lives are about to change in yet another big way~

Stage 3: Coping with Your New Normal

The third stage of being an expat can be as tough as the second stage, if not more so. Here you may also have the desire to “jump ship”, but as long as you hold tight to the railings and lean on your new support system, you can weather this seemingly impossible storm. You’ve survived and figured out how to manage your homesickness and what you used to complain about, now becomings something your irritatingly cope with. This stage can be a doozy and can last upwards of 6 to 12 months. This is when you really start to live life in your host country not merely as a wide-eyed adventurer, but rather a grown up expat who has gotten to know many of the ins & outs of living in said country.

At this stage you’ve found your groove, your new routine, and rarely will you run out of your beloved milk because you’ve learned to stockpile as much as the expiration dates will allow. You’ve figured out the new pattern of house bills and expenditures and your banking woes are now manageable, even though they may still be irritatingly so. You’ve found or modified ingredients at the store to make your favorite Tex-Mex dish or pizza you crave from time to time, and sprinkle in eating out on the town at your favorite spots with new awesome new friends, who have now become like family, possibly even celebrating a big holiday or special occasion together away from your respective home countries and families.

Be weary of this stage as you can flip flop back into homesickness in the blink of an eye. Life is good, but it’s not necessarily great. You’ve learned how to manage your coping mechanisms and are starting to form a real network of friends who will pick you up when need be. You’ve found a balance of trying to live a “normal” daily life in a forge in country, as well as taking time to enjoy being a tourist from time to time with excursions away as well as in-city explorations, yet with all this, you still have days when it all feels like an effort, a show. Work through this though and soon you will come out of it and on to the fourth and final stage of being an expat.

Enjoying some weekend hiking in our host country

Loving where we live, how are lives are unfolding, and what we see ahead for our girl

Stage 4: Living with Acceptance

Congratulations, you are now officially an seasoned expat! Gone are the days of sitting in traffic while finding all the products you need at the various stores. Reason being? You know how to get everything you need and in the least amount of time. Gone are the days of dealing with banking woes- you know the system and it’s your new normal, as backwards as it still is. You know the shortcuts, you know how to work the system, you have amazing friends and you are, in fact, living your life. You have found a way to blend your nationalism of your home country with your adopted host country. You are passionate about the inner workings of your host country, just as you would be in your home country. And even though you aren’t a native, you feel and you bleed for your new home.

At this point you may sway back into stages 2 and 3 from time to time, I mean- we are only human. This may especially occur when you take your annual leave back to visit family & friends from home. While back home, you may feel out of place, like you don’t belong, and may struggle to “fit in”. Once you return back to your host country, the roller coaster of emotions may begin again, but you now know how to cope, how to rationalize, and you understand the process and how to move through it with success. But be wary, this does not mean you can settle into “cruise control”- there are still more ways to integrate yourself into the local culture, which will in turn help you to manage the coping mechanisms you’ve learned to create.

All this being said, something amazing does happen- you have your “ah-ha” moment and you realize that you are no longer defined by where you came from, but rather who you now are- an evolution of your best self. You don’t feel the isolation that you used to feel as a foreigner in your new country, and you feel accepted and even loved by your peers as well as the locals. This can be the beginning of your new life living abroad as an expat on a more permanent level, or unfortunately, this can be (for us it was), when you are yanked back to your home country. And here is where the reverse culture shock of repatriation occurs.

A whole new picture in front of the towers- 3 years later expecting baby #2. Time has changed us permanently!

So loving our adopted home and scared to move back home.

It’s truly humbling to me to look back on our 3 short years in Malaysia and realize how much we’ve grown. Never in a million years did I ever think we would be living in Malaysia, and have 2 kids there no less! But alas, we did it, and we are stronger, more aware, more humbled, and more enticed to learn more about this amazing world, than we ever were before. The delicious treat as been dangled in front of us, we took a bite, and man oh man do we want more where that came from!! Now don’t get me wrong, we are not perfect and we are not better than those who have’t been abroad, we have simply found our calling, our passion, and we know that another opportunity is around the corner…one day :).

A family of 4 in KL’s Chinatown….leaving a huge piece of our hearts behind in search of the next adventure stateside. Life will never, ever, ever, be the same. We are grateful & excited for what surprises lie ahead!

And for us International Nabers, as we near the 6 months mark of living back in our home country, be on the look out for my next blog post, Our New Normal: Surviving “Reverse Culture Shock” and Learning How to Move Forward.

Until next time, realize time moves quick so live your best life today~

Kimbra