My New Crossroads: An Identity Crisis

My current little family of 4!

Let me start with a little bit about me. I’ve always been an emotional person, I mean, I AM female- lol! But in all seriousness, its taken me many years in my adult life to look at my God given gift of emotional awareness as a positive, and not a negative. What this does mean though is that I tend to “feel” things the the most extreme- both good and bad. So, in my 3 short years in Malaysia, I threw myself head first into the jungle and experienced everything without hesitation and without regret. I worked my butt off to find and make friends, to create a comfortable home environment for my family, and admist the chaos of SE Asia, to engage myself within the various communities in Kuala Lumpur, and to travel and explore as much of SE Asia as we could. The conclusion? I now have an “emotional hangover”.

Tried to find a pic of me working my old job but couldn’t unearth one so here is a pic of what my then fiancé did for my 31st bday- surprised me with a helicopter ride into the grand canyon- complete with a champagne lunch! Ahh, the good ol’ days 🙂

Between packing up our home in Malaysia and saying our goodbyes to our friends, schlepping a 3 month old and a 22 month old on a 30+hour journey, arriving into our new town and into temporary corporate housing, looking for and purchasing a new home, testing out and buying 2 new cars, waiting 3 months for our shipment of personal belongings, moving into to purchased home, and settling into our new lives here, I’ve just about reached my limit of sanity!

We got hitched!

So, now what? Just as the new year begins to unfold, I’m slowly working on getting over my emotional hangover and I’m beginning to find my new groove, whatever that means….which leads me to this all important question:

WHAT IS MY {new} IDENTITY?

I’m no longer a career traveling sales woman as I was before the expat posting, I’m no longer an expat spouse….I am now living back in the USA as a stay at home mom of 2 amazing (and exhausting) children and a wife to my soul mate. These 2 identities are wonderful, truly they are. But again I ask, what about ME? It’s a surreal feeling and one I struggle with on a daily basis. I know that having 2 kids 19 months apart doesn’t help matters, but it does add to the emotional turmoil I have. On the flip side, I also know that “this too shall pass” and that each day, and with God’s hand in my life, I will take one step closer to figuring out my new norm.

We moved to SE Asia and took a trip to “The Beach” of the famed Phi Phi Islands…

But back to the question-  to all you supporters and well wishers- yes I know that by choosing to be a stay at home mom, that I am “doing the right thing”. I hear that phrase more often than I care to admit. And deep down I know this is true, but it doesn’t make the struggle any less real, or less intense. I think that no matter what walk of life we find ourselves going down- male or female, this is a question that haunts us- who am I? What is my worth? Why am I here? What is my purpose?

Pregnant with our first!

I’ve been doing a LOT of soul searching….usually ending up in tears, both of out more confusion and lack of answers, and still I don’t know where to turn, except to look up at the sky and and pray with all my might that He will show His plan for my life, at least in this new stage, sooner rather than later. I continue to write, less often than I would like of course, but this blog, this “diary”, helps me to release, to focus, to be creative, and ultimately to help others who may find themselves in the same situation as me.

Loving our little girl on her first birthday!

I wonder so many times if this blog and my writing may end of blowing up and leading me down a path where I find my true calling and identity. I wonder that if we got another expat posting, enabling me to feel more like an “expert”, if I would start my own consulting business of advising families pre & post departure about their expat life.  I wonder if I’m supposed to become more active in my passion about stopping Human Trafficking, both stateside and globally. I wonder if its none of these things. Maybe its simply throwing my all into being a stay at home mom. Maybe that is where I will find my worth. Maybe its something I haven’t even thought of yet, maybe God is just telling me to be still and revel in the fact that we created 2 gorgeous human beings and that He has entrusted them to me and I am supposed to focus on raising them with everything I’ve got. Who knows? I sure as heck don’t have any answers, but I  wake up every day, likes it’s groundhog day, and go through the motions. Admist the piles of laundry, the house that needs cleaning, the errand running & grocery shopping, I will remember that my little babes entertain me and fill more than I could ever dream, but some days I’m more like “going through the motions”, loving my littles all the same but secretly aching for something more, something solely for ME, separate from my mom and wife roles.

Pregnant with our 2nd!

I wish I could end this blog post with a HUGE revelation or silly story or heck, all the answers I am looking for, but alas I cannot. I’m simply writing my thoughts down in the hopes that the answers will be revealed to me in due time. While I wait, I will tell myself to enjoy every waking moment of this phase of life, to love on my healthy and amazing little ones, to surround myself with the amazing and supportive friends that I have and that I have newly made in my new hometown. I will take delight in the the learning and expanding of little minds & bodies, the story times, the bath times, the tickle times, the playgroups, the school runs, the coffee dates, the date nights, the book clubs, the quiet moments to myself, and of course the working out and expending of energy.

Final capture of our little family of 4 in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, before moving back to be stateside.

…..I WILL find my new identity…..as sure as I know I am loved & do love.

Until next time, Welcome to 2016…please be kind to yourself, sit in your uncomfortableness and be still~

Kimbra