Expat Life: The Helper.

There is something I would like to share with you friends. Something that I rarely speak about outside of my life here in Kuala Lumpur. Something(one) that most people from “back home” have a huge misconception about. Something(one) that I am so innately grateful for every single day. Something(one) that I cannot live without here in KL. Something(one) that we have factored into our monthly budget. Something(one) that my daughter its nuts about. Something(one) that my husband and I will cry over when its all said and done. Something(one) that has slowly but surely become an extension of our family, no matter where we move to next.

That “something”, err, SOMEONE, is this: Our helper, J (name omitted for privacy).

Meeting for the first time- love at first sight!

A helper is called many things here- a maid, an employee, a nanny, a cook, an errand runner, a babysitter…and on and on. But to us, J is so much more than that. She keeps us sane within our abode surrounded by a world full of chaos. We trust her 100%, and that’s not an easy feat, considering all the horror stories we have heard from others, both locals and expats alike; but we got lucky with her, something I thank God for every day, especially with Ava & now another little one on the way.

But let me back up for a minute. Before arriving in KL, we went through a sort of “crash course” in learning the nuances of what to expect life to be like in Malaysia. It was an 8 hour course and honestly I remember maybe 5% of it, but one thing that did stick out was the instructor telling us about “maids” in SE Asia. She told us how common it is to have one, and not just for expats, but for locals as well; how you really couldn’t do without one, and with the cost being so ridiculously low, it would be silly not to take advantage of having one for this season of life. I was all about having someone come to clean our house (both of us being traveling salespeople, we had made the decision to get one back in the USA- she came 2 times a month for 2 hours each time). Best money I have ever spent. However, moving to KL where I wouldn’t have a job, I just didn’t know if we “needed” it. Well let me tell you, I got over that one real quick!

Sweet surrender at nap time!

A mutual friend who was leaving KL about the same time we were moving there offered up the name of the one she used. She said to me: J is different. She’s Philippina (as are most of them) but married to a Chinese man here in Malaysia and together they have a daughter. So basically right away she was different then the majority of the helpers here in KL. You see, the majority of the helpers are Philippina (many also Malaysian and Indian) and they come here specifically to work as a maid, then send money home to their own children (who another family member raises) back in the Philippines, while they live with you and take care of your household & your children. Much of the time, you are in charge of paying for her work visa and also sending her home once a year for leave so they can enjoy their own family for a moment in time. Truly, breaks.my.heart- I can’t even imagine being apart from my own child like that, but this is their life, this is their “normal”. Luckily, J didn’t have to deal with that but with that came the stipulation that she could never be a “full time live-in” helper, due to her living here and needing to get home nightly to her own daughter and husband on a daily basis. Additionally, she didn’t come with the hassle of having to get her the work visa, as she already had a dependency visa through her husband.

Anyway, after finding us a home here I called her up and she came over to chat. Immediately I liked her. She is sweet, quiet, and super detail oriented (I’m a tad OCD at times) and since back then it was just David and I, I had her come 2 times a week for a few hours each time to clean our house and do our laundry. Honestly, I know that sounds so crazy and so spoiled since I’m not working but hey- the houses are big here & get super dusty and dirty with the humidity, and you know what, when in Rome…..and you truly cannot beat the price! Who wants to iron clothes & scrub toilets anyway?!

Nanna loving on Ava before being away from her for 1 month while we visit the USA

Once Ava arrived, we increased her hours to come 4 days a week (3 weekdays and a saturday), full days (7am-7pm). Again, yes I realized just how lucky we are to have this help during such a crazy time with a now toddler and a new babe on the way. She is a godsend. It took me a while to get to the point where I would leave with house and have her watch Ava, but that was the whole point so I knew I had to get there eventually. I started with a 90 minute outing and now have been gone as long as 5 hours and I have never worried one bit about Ava’s safety and care.

Let me also stop for a moment and say this to the naysayers who know I am a huge supporter to  stop human trafficking. Employing a helper is the norm here in SE Asia yes and yes, there will always be “bad seeds” who treat other human beings unfairly and unjustly, but in no way shape or form do we treat J with anything less than the 100% respect she deserves as a human being. She is paid fairly, which yes is less than the live in nannies you can find in the western countries but this is the culture here in Asia, to have house help. We actually pay her more than the local norm for the time she spends with us. We created a safe haven for her to escape to when she has down time throughout the day- she has her own small room in our house with her own bathroom; even furnished with a bed and side table and she has made that space her own. She eats food from our fridge that we pay for, unless she wants to bring her own from home, which she does from time to time. Some days she even brings her daughter along to play with Ava- on school holidays and occasional Saturdays. She gets holidays off, and we like to remember her on her birthday & at Christmas- after all, she has become family and she helps to care for the single most important human being in our lives.

Ava starting to take some tentative steps and trusting her Nanna completely to catch her 🙂

You see, there are really no such thing as “babysitters” here. You don’t have expat nor local neighborhood teenage children wanting to earn a few extra bucks taking care of little ones on weekend nights so we can have a date- in fact many of them grew up with their own helper so they have little to no idea how to care for the little ones. The roads are such that it truly is NOT safe at all taking your baby out for a neighborhood stroll in most places- both safety on the road and safety in regards to motorists “snatching” something on you, in addition to the weather being so unbearable you end up having a very small window in the early morning or late evening that you can attempt a walk if you find a safe route nearby your home. You don’t have workout gyms that offer child care, you definitely don’t have easy shopping access to get in & out with babes in tow, and you always, always, always have contractors at your house fixing yet another broken aircon unit or water issue or internet or cable issue or you name it, always there is someone needing to come to your house and you just can’t sit around 3 days a week for an 8 hour window every time waiting on them. Therefor your options are to become a hermit or get a helper. We chose to get a helper and are so grateful for that decision!

Out here you really see the whole gamut- you see locals and expats both who employ live in helpers and even full time drivers to drive your car around for you (seriously would be awesome but that’s just one step away from being totally local and I can’t go there- LOL). You have the full time but live out helpers, the part time live out helpers (what we have), and those (usually the ones without kids) who have a maid come to help clean house. Some locals and expats even take their helpers on holiday with them to help out. It’s quite the interesting change for us westerners but I am oh so grateful to have J help us out with our home and our babe(s) for this crazy season of life. I can even remember a time when I so desperately needed to get my hair done about 1 month after having Ava that my hairdresser suggested he open early for me and that I bring my helper to watch over Ava so that I would be comfortable taking breaks to breastfeed, change diapers, and whatnot- hahaha. What a sight that was, but seriously thank God for J!!

Ava and Nanna on their walks…

Does this make me any less of a mother? Absolutely not. In fact, I’m so eternally grateful for this gift of being able to focus 100% of my time on my babe(s) and not have to worry as much about cleaning house. I think about my family and friends back home who don’t have this luxury and I wonder how they stay sane and be the amazing moms that they are! I guess one day when I move back I will find out (although I will always find a way to budget in a weekly housecleaner, always)- LOL. I’m so grateful I can get Ava down for a nap then run to the gym and grocery store solo for an hour or two. I’m also so grateful to have J help with babysitting so that David and I can have date nights alone or with others on a regular basis, especially because we don’t have ANY family around to drop the babe(s) of with who we trust. I think thats the hardest part and the total clincher for us- since we don’t have grandma and grandpa close by, nor any aunts or uncles, we don’t have the option of a weekend getaway- in fact the only time we have ever been apart from Ava throughout the night was a time my parents came to KL to visit so we could attend a wedding….and we brought them with us to the Philippines where the wedding was and they had Ava down the hall in their hotel room, instead of in ours- haha. We would love the opportunity to get away for the weekend just the 2 of us, now that Ava is a bit older, but until we move closer to family (i.e.- any part of the USA), it’s just not doable, which again is fine, it’s just a fact of life as an expat, having the helper to ease those times so that a nice romantic dinner of 3 hours fills that desire.

One thing I didn’t expect was to see the amazing bond that J and Ava have together. Ava seriously ADORES her “nanna” and she is called and the feeling is crazy mutual. They are so sweet together- I catch them singing their own special songs and taking little walks around the neighborhood. Ava trusts J totally with diaper changes, eating, and bedtime (if its date night). It’s truly heartwarming to watch Ava bond with her so well. We are one of the fortunate ones for sure!

Ava and her Nanna prepping for her big 1st Birthday Party!

Anyway, a bit rambling yes but do you get the picture I’m trying to paint here? Yes, having a helper as a non-working expat is a major positive with this whole living on the other side of the world thing, but its also a necessity and one we don’t ever for a minute take for granted. This is our life right now, and we are enjoying every minute we can, and will forever remember with love and fondness J and what she was to our family for a sweet moment in time living in KL.

Until next time, put yourself in others’ shoes & know the grass isn’t always necessarily greener~

Kimbra